I’m trying my hardest right now to keep myself calm. To remain in stillness. And all I can do in this moment is ask myself one and only question, What for? All of the inspiration that I have felt for the past two weeks feels as if it has been stomped on. I’ve been working so hard. I really do not want to think that it all comes to this,,,that this is the reason I have been doing this awakening process for, the meditating, the long hours of “homework” and self realization, all my personal growth. WOW.
My oldest daughter, she 21 years of age, just walked in the front door with some story about how she saw a car near her (wasn’t sure if she said it was in front of her or behind her) any way, the BMW car hit a coyote, the same coyote that she said she had just swayed away from to avoid being the one who hit the coyote. The story was filled with all the drama details one would expect to really try a make the magnitude of her story hit home. A story to make you stop whatever else you were thinking and be shocked and stunned by the sadness of how this poor forest little critter was somehow in the wrong place at that wrong time. How from the impact to flight and flew through the air a few yards…

I began to get pulled in. I start to feel sypathy (good for me no empathy this time) I stopped, I began to hear the voice in my head stop, and there was stillness. I was calm, as if someone had turned the “You should definitely be angry button” on off. Amazing. I totally got it in that moment. I didn’t get drawn in to my daughter’s drama, and the I truly became aware.

Every page that I read in the book The New Earth, every web/podcast I saw of Echkarte Tolle and Oprah Winfrey discussing the book, every experience I have had in the past few weeks that I have applied the stillness method too…all the growth I have felt, the calmness and peace I felt in my life, the restlessness that disappeared….DAMNIT!

So I get that once you start you can’t turn back, say Echarte Tolle. But do I now start over? I’M PISSED, I’M ANGRY, HURT, DISAPOINTED, AFRAID, FEARFUL….ok, yeah, so I’m aware of it, but right now in this moment, when I should be sleeping, at 12:52 am, I want to back hand, bitch slap my daughter.

Did she think I wouldn’t notice? I realized her words were slurring, and she couldn’t look me directly in the eye. This has happened before, and after the law has been laid down, after everything I have ever said to her,,,,, about driving drunk…..DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT. How could she. I don’t know what to do right now. I told her that if she ever did it again I would never speak to her again. Ok, that may be a bit much, but she knew what I meant. I told her straight up tonight that I couldn’t believe she drove drunk. Her response to me,,,”I only had three beers”. ARE YOU FRICKEN KIDDING ME????????? Only 3 beers. One beer and I’m typsy turvy and can’t imagine taking the chance of getting behind the wheel of a car. So who do I blame, her birth father who was an addict (to everything, alcohol, drugs, sex, whatever), and pet myself on the top of the head and be a hipocrate and say well, it’s not really her fault, it’s genetic. What a joke. Or do I say she’s an alcoholic and needs to hit rock bottom before whe learns anything? Or do I play the tough love card and say to her what I really want to. Which is to stand my ground and follow through with what I said to her before,,,figure your shit out, get out of the house, sober up before you come back. I can’t stand it when your kids put you in these situations.

So for starters, I am telling her that she needs to go to an AA meeting, because she’s clearly lost perpective again of her drinking problem. And the worst and most important thing to be said, to be learned, and to be engraved in her eyelids,,,if you drink you dont’ drive because you will, it’s only an issue of when, kill or tragically wound someone else, Or yourself. Is it helping that her step dad goes out to softball the night before, puts down a few brewskies and then drives home….Great message to sent to your kids,,,I hate being the martyr but I don’t drink, maybe one drink at Christmas dinner and one on my birthday…
I hope that there aren’t to many other mothers out there that are having to go through this too. God bless!
Micha’ele

I will try to stay in the stillness in the “I am”, and look at her as part of me, part of the “I am”. I will not judge her, I love her unconditionally, and I know this is her lesson. It just hurts when it’s your own child to stand there and “Let it go, and let God”.