As the phone rang a couple times, I tried to pull my eyes open wide enough to comprehend what I was hearing. My husband had answered the phone, it was 12:30 am, and my experiences have been that any phone call that you get after 9pm at night typically isnt a good one.  It was so true this time.  My said, “Here’s the phone, your mom has had a stroke.”

St. Mary Magdalene de Pazzi

(1566-1607)

the white dove is a common symbol for peace or love

This morning, as I sat on my front porch trying to wake up from a rough nite of restless sleep, I began to think about the day. Today is Mother’s Day. I began to remember moments past, moments shared with those that have past.

I have lost quite a few people in my life, especially in the past few years.  But today was a day that brought memories of my godmother, Carolyn.  She was also my aunt, and also a mother figure to me in my life.  She filled the empty space that I had growing up, particularly in my teen years.  My own mother had remarried and didn’t spend much time with me.  I should explain a bit.  When I was younger, about 3, my parents divorced. My mother dated and actually did have a long relationship with a gentleman that lasted for about seven years.  But by the time I was eleven, she was single and met my stepfather.  Before she met him, we, my mother, my aunt and myself lived together.  My dad, who lived in the city, an hour and half away, wasn’t around much - if at all.

When my mother began dating my stepdad, she suddenly became scarce.  She spent most of her nights at his home and within a couple of years they married.  The sad thing was, when she married my stepdad, he had his own issues and demons. Drinking was one of them, he had an ex-wife who was literally “crazy”, not sure what her diagnosis was but I did know that she wasn’t a person who behaved or thought clearly. She didn’t allow him to see let alone visit his children, his daughter, who as she got older, became a manipulative person who only came around when she needed money or a place to stay, and even then only contacting him a few times. And then there was his son. Whom, because of direct physical abuse from the mother, was injured as a baby and remained mentally handicapped because of it.  To this day he is still in an adult facility for those who are unable to function in our everyday society.

Needless to say he was bitter, and the last thing he wanted was a child running around his home reminded him of what he could have had.  So my aunt, (my godmother), cared for me most of the time.  Occasionally, my mother would visit. She would come down from the town she lived in, about 40 minutes away, to our town for the night.  She did this for a couple years, and she did it about once a week, twice a week if I was lucky. She would come around dinner, watch a few tv shows, spend the night and was gone by the following morning.

By the time I was thirteen I was pretty self sufficient. I learned to take care of myself, but I always knew that my aunt, who was never asked to take care of me, did her best to be there for me when I needed an adult to help me understand the great big world.  As I got older, she still remained my surrogate mother.  Even when my mother was around, my aunt was never far behind.

Sadly, my aunt passed away a couple of years ago, she felt ill one day, spent three months in the hospital, fell into a coma and passed away peacefully soon after.  Even though my mother has grown closer to me in my life, especially once I had children, when my aunt passed away, I felt a huge loss.  I have to admit that it felt as though I had lost my mother.  The past couple of years has been tough, missing her terribly and not really being able to share that with too many people, mostly for fear of offending my own mother who now has her own “version” of how she cared for me all those years. It is amazing how it differs from my own memories.

So, this morning, as I sat on my porch, I felt sadness, I felt loss, I felt a knot in the pit of my stomach. A lump in my throat. Wishing that she was still alive so that I could wish her a Happy Mother’s Day once more.  Suddenly, I was startled by the fluttering, flapping wings, gently whisping past me. The most beautiful dove landed on the step right next to my feet. I was in awe. I actually said hello to this amazing little being as I began to appreciate the light shimmering grey that glistened a pearly white in its reflection from the sun at my feet, this white dove brought to me the most loving wish of love and happiness that I know was orchestrated by my loving sweet aunt, who actually is still very much present in my life.

I realized in that moment, that what I tell my friends and clients, that when someone we love passes, they really aren’t gone. And that if we pay attention to the NOW, to the messages that they send to us all the time, that if we just open our eyes and ears long enough to the loving messages that they are constantly giving to us we will see them, and we will hear and feel their presence and their love.

I would like to take this moment to wish all of those wonderful loving mother’s, including those that don’t have children but share their loving mothering essence to those around them that need that mother’s touch, I wish you the most wonderful and joyful Happy Mother’s Day, may you be surrounded in love and joy, and may those around you make you feel as special as you truly are!